Diamond Anniversary!!

Bear with me, this may be long.

***

Ten years ago (give or take a few months), I was living in a brand new city.  My friends and family were all back home in NY.  I hadn't met anyone here, yet.  The only father I ever knew (my sweet Uncle Joe) was very sick with cancer back home.  I was very pregnant and very sad and felt very alone.
 
So I did what so many of us do in that situation.  I snorted cocaine.  Wait, no.  I went online looking for someone - ANYONE - who was anything like me.  I wanted to feel not so alone.  I wanted to meet someone who was going through something that I was going through.

I wanted a friend.

Only, the most amazing thing happened.  I found dozens of them.  I know, right?  It seems crazy, and perhaps it is.  But it's also beautiful.

*** 

I joined Babycenter and, after a failed attempt at relating to anyone in the PLUS SIZE AND PREGNANT board, I discovered the board which would change my life.  I discovered the April 2007 board.  This was a board filled with women (some first time moms - some experienced moms) who were all due to have their babies in April, 2007.  So, I joined.

It took a few months to decide to post.  As I said, I was sad and lonely and just depressed.  It was my first pregnancy and I desperately missed my mother.  It's hard to make friends as an adult and I didn't know exactly how to go about it.

So, one day, I jumped in and posted a comment.

And that was the beginning of history.

***

While the board is no longer there, these women are.  There have been moves to different websites.  There have been spin offs and breakups and exclusions (as there ALWAYS are among friends).  There have been hurt feelings and incredible support.

There has been so much.

***

Over the past ten years (TEN, YOU GUYS!) I have forged the strongest and most amazing bonds with these women.  We know each others secrets.  We know what we love and what we hate.  We know our hearts' desires and our biggest heartbreaks.

We have been there through divorces, new marriages, the births of new babies, arguments with neighbors, vasectomies, operations, cantaloupes, family drama, financial hardships, and everything in between.

We have cheered each other on.  We have loved each other and hated each other and complained and been judgmental and angry.  We have supported every single time someone needed support.  We have held each others hands over the miles and been able to lean on each others shoulders.

We have been sisters to each other and aunts to our children.  We drew the line at wives to the other husbands.  I think.  I don't want to know if I am wrong.

We took and gave advice.  We met and hugged and spent time together IN REAL LIFE.  We wrote and sent flowers and helped with anything we possible could.  We became FRIENDS in all senses of the word.

***

Along the way, we lost a few of our moms.  Heartbreaking in so many ways, it was made even more so because we had come to love the very children who had just lost their moms.  While we would mourn our friends, we would also mourn the loss of the children to whom we would no longer have access.  We would be faced with our OWN mortality.  Our OWN what ifs?  Our own worries and pain and horror.

And we also lost some of our children (both big and small).  The heartbreak of losing a child is unimaginable and when it happens to a close friend, and you cannot be RIGHT THERE for them, it makes you feel helpless.  Our friends' hearts are broken and we cannot give what we most want to give:  hugs.  We used whatever words we could. We cried and spoke and listened and prayed.  Some of us were able to visit and give support that way.  We sent cards and letters and gave our love in any possible way we could.  You cannot cure that kind of pain.  It never goes away.  But, we will always be there to listen and cry and give love and REMEMBER.  Those children will always be remembered.  They are our babies, too, in a way.  As any close friend will tell you, the children of your friends are children of your hearts.  You will always love them and they will always be a little bit yours.  Those women I mentioned above?  They are the strongest and most beautiful women I know.  Their beauty lies in the fact that they still love.  They still allow us to share their babies.  They still go on when going on is the last thing they want to do.

***

Ten years.

It takes a lot to keep  a friendship going for ten years.  It takes even MORE to keep multiple friendships going for ten years ONLINE.  There have been times we have been busier than others.  There have been times that some of us haven't spoken for months.  There have been times where we were not so nice.  It has all come full circle, though.  Many of us have come together again, and while not all of our relationships are what they WERE, at least they are still there.

***

These women have seen me at my lowest of lows and my highest of highs.  They know the darkest depths of my head and the largest and most loving parts of my heart.  They've seen me at my most unkind.  They've seen me complaint and rant and act like a baby.  They listened to me moan.  They put up with my attitude.  They've rolled their eyes at my drama and put me in my place when it was needed.

I trust them with my heart.  I trust them with my pain.  I trust them with the things that are the most important me.  I trust them with my girls.  I KNOW that should I ever need help and they are able, they would drop whatever they needed to to help me. And I for them.  In a heartbeat.

***

I have learned so much from these women.  Not just how to use magical shaving methods, but how to comfort my children when they are hurting. 

I've learned different points of view (even when I insisted my own was the right one - I get now that it's not, you'll be happy to know). 

I've learned about different types of families and different ways to worship.  I've learned that we can be kind and STILL get our point across.  I learned that people are so, so very different, and that our differences are beautiful and worth learning about.

I've learned that anything can crack you up at any time and no one else will get it but the women who are THERE.

(For what it's worth, I've also learned to chill a bit about grammar and just write the way I feel, sometimes.)

***

I want to say so much about these ladies, but I don't know if my thoughts can come out of my head.  I will try my very best, though.

***

To my April, 2007 mamas:

Thank you.

Thank you for welcoming me into your lives.
Thank you for sharing your children with me.
Thank you for loving my children even when I wasn't so lovable myself.
Thank you for listening to my (many) problems.
Thank you for the flowers and the cards and the messages.
Thank you for texting me at 1AM.
Thank you for accepting that I don't do telephone calls.
Thank you for cheering me on.
Thank you for sharing your joys with me.
Thank you for trusting me with your pain.
Thank you for giving me a place of safety.
Thank you for letting me know when I was being a huge asshole (it helped, I swear!).
Thank you for making me laugh until I cried.
Thank you for the advice at 3AM.
Thank you for the silly memes and inside jokes and crazy stories.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for being part of such an amazing group of women.

Thank you, sweet women, for being my friends.

Thank you.

***

I never knew that getting pregnant with my first child would open a whole new world to me.  I never knew that the greatest give I could ever receive would also give me the gift of friendship.  The gift of women who love me. 

The smartest, most loving, most understanding, sometimes grumpy, occasionally asshole-ish, most awesome, and often BEST women I know. 

I love you all. Even the ones who don't think that I do.

I may not be the most demonstrative (or most understanding) person, but I do know that I am lucky.

For all of you.

You will never be my "online" friends.  You will always be my friends.






Happy Ten Years!!