I'm late to the party, I know. I've been wanting to make this entry and name it the way I have, but then George Michael died and I felt awkward and now I think enough time has passed so that I can safely post using his song title and we can all be assured that it is an homage of sorts.
Plus, he basically taught me about sex, so there's that.
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But, oh man, it's been a fucked up couple of months. This winter/election/holiday season hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and really sent me on a fast downward spiral. I was pretty low and am honestly still trying desperately to cling to whatever ladder/rope/hands that are pulling me up.
I know bipolar has phases and you can be happy for months or years at a time and then fucking SINK out of nowhere. Because I had been doing so well for so long, I thought i was ok and that I was out of the woods. But mental illness has a way of showing you who is boss, and bitch, it ain't you.
I barely had the energy to leave my bed or get dressed or bathe or talk to my friends. The worst (well, one of the worst) things about being like this is having to repeatedly explain to your friends that it is - in fact - NOT them and is truly all you.
I love my friends. I want to spend time with my friends. I am jealous when they do friend things without me, but I simply cannot FRIEND the way I need to. Texts go ignored. Messages left unanswered. Phone calls ignored. It's a shit situation for all involved. I am so lucky that my friends stick with me, because not many people would. It's hard being friends or family with someone who is bipolar. Hats off to you all, because you make me want to be more.
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I know bipolar has phases and you can be happy for months or years at a time and then fucking SINK out of nowhere. Because I had been doing so well for so long, I thought i was ok and that I was out of the woods. But mental illness has a way of showing you who is boss, and bitch, it ain't you.
I barely had the energy to leave my bed or get dressed or bathe or talk to my friends. The worst (well, one of the worst) things about being like this is having to repeatedly explain to your friends that it is - in fact - NOT them and is truly all you.
I love my friends. I want to spend time with my friends. I am jealous when they do friend things without me, but I simply cannot FRIEND the way I need to. Texts go ignored. Messages left unanswered. Phone calls ignored. It's a shit situation for all involved. I am so lucky that my friends stick with me, because not many people would. It's hard being friends or family with someone who is bipolar. Hats off to you all, because you make me want to be more.
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Got through the election and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years by the skin of my teeth. Not a pleasant person to be around, but I did my best and I honestly believe that the girls had a great time. SUPER antisocial during that time and no apologies about it. Sometimes I have to do whatever gets me through the next hour, or day, or week.
When you're in the depths of the roller coaster drop, it seems as if you will never get to the top again. And you click and groan and slowly move up the peak and it seems scary and worrisome and so freaking slow and you just want to get to the top, damnit and have this valley be over. And then it comes and you've finally made it to the top, and then often, you crash back down again. So frustrating and so sad and so DEFEATING.
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The problem is when you enter a mixed state. When you are deep in a depression, but also experiencing mania. When you're super depressed and consider suicide, sometimes you don't have the energy to kill yourself. It's just too much work. But depression COMBINED with mania is a whole other ballpark. You're sad, of course, but now you CAN DO ALL THINGS. You can stay up all night. You can build a new ark for Noah. You can plan and think about and go through on your suicide plan because YOU ARE EVERYTHING. Nothing can trip you up.
Annnnnddd that's where I ended up and that's when I found myself crying on the floor in my doctor's office begging her to help me or commit me or just let me go. It's a shitty thing to think about how your children would be better off without you. It can be overwhelming and can fuck with your brain.
I've been dealing with this bullshit for years now and I KNOW that it will get better and I KNOW that it won't last forever, but your brain will tell you otherwise and when the voices in my head argue and try to tell me different things, it's almost too much noise and I need to scream it all out and let it land somewhere else.
Annnnnddd that's where I ended up and that's when I found myself crying on the floor in my doctor's office begging her to help me or commit me or just let me go. It's a shitty thing to think about how your children would be better off without you. It can be overwhelming and can fuck with your brain.
I've been dealing with this bullshit for years now and I KNOW that it will get better and I KNOW that it won't last forever, but your brain will tell you otherwise and when the voices in my head argue and try to tell me different things, it's almost too much noise and I need to scream it all out and let it land somewhere else.
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So, crying with my doctor and just being defeated and worried about healthcare and the state of the world and my own fucked up brain workings and why is the weather so dull and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHERE IS THE FUCKING SUN? Oh, and did I mention perimenopause? No. Well, there's that. The trifecta of fucked up.
She thought it would be a good idea if I were to change meds at this CALM juncture. Slowly weaning me off Lexapro and slowly easing me into Effexor. Which, as an added bonus, can also be an activator and cause manic episodes. So, there's that.
So, yes. I ran out of Lamictal which is a miracle mood stabilizer and is, honest to God, my life saver. I ran out, y'all. On Friday. I couldn't get a refill until Monday or Tuesday and had already started the weaning off old meds/easing in of new meds. Also, period. Because LOL, even though morbidly obese people (and perimenopausal women) are not supposed to get regular periods, this bitch gets them 28 days apart, no fucking questions asked. I knew the moment both children were conceived because my cycle is that ridiculously regular.
It's fun talking about periods, no? Oh, and night sweats. Waking up in a puddle of your own bodily fluids is pretty much the hottest thing I know. Sexy, even!
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It's fun talking about periods, no? Oh, and night sweats. Waking up in a puddle of your own bodily fluids is pretty much the hottest thing I know. Sexy, even!
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So I lost my fucking mind, deactivated Facebook and tried to get my shit together. I read books and watched movies and pretty much cried in my bed because weaning yourself off of a med you have been taking for years at the highest dosage is painful, you guys. Physically and mentally. And Mike had to take cabs to work and bring the girls to school because the thought of getting out of bed was just too fucking overwhelming. And putting on clothes? Let's be real here.
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Oy. This is turning out to be longer than I had anticipated it would be.
Apparently I wrote a crazed email to my doctor while on Klonopin and she was sufficiently worried enough to call me up and make me give her number to Mike and to tell me to stop being so stoic and tough and to tell people when I am fucked up.
Apparently I wrote a crazed email to my doctor while on Klonopin and she was sufficiently worried enough to call me up and make me give her number to Mike and to tell me to stop being so stoic and tough and to tell people when I am fucked up.
It's hard though. Who the fuck wants to hear that someone is SAADDDD. No one, that's who. I don't even want to talk to myself sometimes and the voices in my head are always arguing with each other and it's exhausting.
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I'm heading into week two of the med transition. My period ended. I am back on Lamictal and I'm weaning and adding and SHARING MY FEELINGS and I am praying for the best to happen.
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Which brings me back to the original line of this entry.
You gotta have faith.
I know faith and religion can be controversial. So, this is not an admonition or a call to arms or a recruitment. It is simply all about me. AS EVERYTHING SHOULD BE. ;)
I have not been able to find a Catholic Church here that will accept me (divorced, born after Vatican II, etc.). I could lie, but that would be horrible and who the heck wants to go somewhere that they are truly not accepted? I'm hurt and dismayed by the way things are, but I still have God inside of me and I know how I feel and I trust in His love.
And I truly have faith. Like, 100%, I have no doubt, I am a believer.
I don't know if people have to have faith in a higher power, or a specific God, or Goddesses, or whatever. I DO think that everyone should have faith to get them through the tough times.
Maybe it's faith in your family. Maybe it's faith in the fact that you are strong. Maybe it's faith that your friends will never let you down.
For me, it's faith in God and how much He loves me and how, when I cannot carry myself for one more minute, He will carry me himself.
I don't believe He makes me do or say anything. I don't believe He is responsible for all of my good choices. I believe He has given me free will. That is His gift to me. Free will to make my own choices. He loves me and He forgives me when I ask for forgiveness and He knows my very heart, even when my heart is not so clear to me at all.
And faith keeps me going. Faith helps me through the hardest of hard times. Faith lets me know that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. Faith lets me know that I am not alone. Faith keeps me above the water when I feel like sinking under.
I think that if I lost faith, I would lose it all, because my faith is sometimes all I have, and I will cling to it with every fiber of my body.
I think you gotta have faith. And whatever brings you faith had better be the most important thing in your life. It has to protect you and carry you and give you the strength and the power to get through the hardest of the hard times.
And sometimes, it also give me wine. My faith is pretty cool, you know. And I love it with all of my heart.
***
I'm heading into week two of the med transition. My period ended. I am back on Lamictal and I'm weaning and adding and SHARING MY FEELINGS and I am praying for the best to happen.
***
Which brings me back to the original line of this entry.
You gotta have faith.
I know faith and religion can be controversial. So, this is not an admonition or a call to arms or a recruitment. It is simply all about me. AS EVERYTHING SHOULD BE. ;)
I have not been able to find a Catholic Church here that will accept me (divorced, born after Vatican II, etc.). I could lie, but that would be horrible and who the heck wants to go somewhere that they are truly not accepted? I'm hurt and dismayed by the way things are, but I still have God inside of me and I know how I feel and I trust in His love.
And I truly have faith. Like, 100%, I have no doubt, I am a believer.
I don't know if people have to have faith in a higher power, or a specific God, or Goddesses, or whatever. I DO think that everyone should have faith to get them through the tough times.
Maybe it's faith in your family. Maybe it's faith in the fact that you are strong. Maybe it's faith that your friends will never let you down.
For me, it's faith in God and how much He loves me and how, when I cannot carry myself for one more minute, He will carry me himself.
I don't believe He makes me do or say anything. I don't believe He is responsible for all of my good choices. I believe He has given me free will. That is His gift to me. Free will to make my own choices. He loves me and He forgives me when I ask for forgiveness and He knows my very heart, even when my heart is not so clear to me at all.
And faith keeps me going. Faith helps me through the hardest of hard times. Faith lets me know that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. Faith lets me know that I am not alone. Faith keeps me above the water when I feel like sinking under.
I think that if I lost faith, I would lose it all, because my faith is sometimes all I have, and I will cling to it with every fiber of my body.
I think you gotta have faith. And whatever brings you faith had better be the most important thing in your life. It has to protect you and carry you and give you the strength and the power to get through the hardest of the hard times.
And sometimes, it also give me wine. My faith is pretty cool, you know. And I love it with all of my heart.
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Have faith, peeps. We will get through this. There is always, ALWAYS hope. We just have to be open to it.
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