New York Part 2!

Faithful readers, I have not forgotten about you!  I'm just lazy and busy and mostly lazy.  I am also shit at responding to emails, text messages, and private messages, so don't feel so bad!

Now, onto some excitement!

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While in NY, my sister had a BBQ and invited some friends and family.  I also invited my friend, Danielle.  Danielle and I met when we were 13 years old and have been friends ever since.  Except when she ignored me.  Or vice versa.  I am never sure, so I will assume it was her.  AS SHOULD YOU ALL.

That's all irrelevant, though, because she is still my oldest friend and will be so for the rest of our lives. 

Danielle brought her two daughters with her.  It was so nice to see them all.  Danielle's older daughter is 13, which is funny, because she and I were clearly adults at 13 and her daughter is clearly not, so lol to us. :(  We thought we were hot shit.  Hahahaha!  Oh dear. What we think as children is only there to amuse us as adults.

This is me and Danielle, looking every bit as old as we did when we met!

And here we are with my mom (I am the fat one):

I won't post pictures of the girls because that is fucked up without their permission, but I assure you that they are beautiful!

It was so nice to see Danielle and we cried and cried because we are losers.  We laughed and talked about people and it was such fun to pretend to be teenagers again.  Even though I do it every day.  It was nice to have an accomplice, though. ;)


Also, that thing on my ankle is a bug thing, not my pathetic attempt at a fancy ankle bracelet.

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We did more fun stuff and then it was time to go home!

On the way home, we stopped at my OTHER old friend's house.  Nicole and I met in high school when she desperately begged me to be her friend until I capitulated and befriended her to keep her quiet.  Or something like that.  We haven't see in each in over 20 years!  So crazy!

She and her family live near Rockaway Beach and it's really a cute little place.

I got to meet her baby daddy and her sweet daughter, Gracie, who I am sure thought I was the best thing ever.  She touched me twice.  On my knee.  Clearly a cry for help.  I will kidnap her next time.  She is too cute not to!

We didn't get to spend a lot of time there, and we didn't take any pictures (and missed a sweet moment between Gracie and Emilie, about which I will always be sad).  We talked and talked and laughed and laughed and it was legit as if we had seen each other the day before.  I am so glad we stopped there. 

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After we left Nicole's house, the girls wanted to see the ocean, so we searched for a parking spot (this is a difficult task, non-New Yorkers).  We found one, hooray!

We walked there and I cried as soon as I saw the water, as I haven't seen the ocean in over ten years and it was just. so. beautiful.  It was incredibly hot that day, but I didn't even notice it.  The beach was super crowded, and I didn't even care.

All of those things that would normally create panic in me just didn't exist.  It sounds super lame, I know, but all I could see was the water.

We waded in wearing our clothes and my daughters got soaked and all three of us got covered in sand and it was seriously one of the best moments of my life.  The girls laughed and splashed and screamed and I taught them to jump over the waves like I did when I was a child.  They loved it and Emilie kept telling me, "Mama, I LOVE the ocean!!!"  I was so happy that they finally got to see something from MY childhood.  They are so used to seeing the things Daddy did or Daddy saw or Daddy knew, and this was something all me.  I was proud and excited and so, so in love.

And then we left and saw this and I pulled over and we took a picture:

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Then I took the girls (and Mike) to see my old High School and the house in which I grew up and it was bittersweet.  It was sweet because it was good to see it, but it was bitter because it was SO long ago and I never get to see those things and I am a whiney brat.

Then we stopped at my favorite pizza place of all time and it had new owners and it was late and they had crap pizza left and it was so, so, so disappointing and I almost cried.  But, anyway.

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Then we went home and took two days to get there.  We stopped at the Crayola Experience in Pennsylvania, but it is truly not even worth mentioning because none of us really liked it, but I got chocolate covered Swedish fish and that was the bee's knees.

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And that is what I did on my summer vacation.  :)

Keep on keeping on.

I'm writing this so that people can see that sometimes it's hard and that I don't always have my shit together and I am human.  No bragging.  I DO work hard, but sometimes I have hiccups.

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So, NY was great and I will write more about it later, but it was bad food-wise.  I went into this whole vacation telling myself that I would eat what I wanted to and I wouldn't feel bad about it.  I really clamped down on eating well before we left so that, even if I DID gain weight while there, it would be ok.

Only, it was bad.

I ate a LOT more than I thought I would and I fear even knowing what I did to my blood sugar.  I guess I worried about that, only I didn't, because I still ate shit.

And, you guys, I gained NINE pounds.  In one week!  Who does that?

Me.

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And it was ok, I told myself.  And it has been.  I lost those nine pounds since I've been home.

But?  It has been so hard and I have been crying a lot.  It seems that, since I've been home, it's been harder than ever before.  Maybe I am just sad because it was SO GOOD eating all of those things I hadn't eaten in a while.  And it WAS.  I mean, seriously?  It was awesome.  I love food.  A lot.  And Red Lobster?  Holy shit, it was delicious.  I disgusted myself a little but, but it was worth it, not gonna lie.

So.  It's been hard keeping my shit together since I've been home.  And the other day, it was just almost impossible.  I know it's easy to say, "Just don't eat it.  Just stick to your diet.  It's worth it in the end!"  And it certainly IS worth it.  Aside from having my girls, there has been nothing so satisfying, nothing that has made me so proud of myself, nothing that has given me so much confidence, as losing this weight and knowing that I did it on my own.

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Only, sometimes you have a buy one get one free coupon for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonald's.  And sometimes you use that coupon telling yourself, "I'll eat one now and save the other for another day.  I mean, I can fit that into my eating plan.  No big deal."

Only, then you eat it.  And then you eat the other one.  And then you eat some fries.

And then you want to cry and vomit it all up, because you are so disappointed in yourself and in your self-control and in the fact that you just ate A HALF A POUND OF SHIT.

But you don't.

You get yourself over the hump.  You get your shit back together.  You tell yourself it's ok.  It's not that you deserve it (because you don't), but it's ok because it's over and you can start again.

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We can ALWAYS start again, you guys.  It's what we do best.  It's accepting you fucked up and moving on.

And that is NOT EASY.  And it doesn't make you weak or a fuckup or a loser who can't do anything right.  It makes you human.

I'm still having a hard time keeping it together.  I know I just need to get through the next few weeks because it IS starting over in a way.  It seems almost insurmountable.  It seems hopeless and scary and so fucking SAD.  I am so angry that I have to watch every single thing that I put in my mouth.

But I will.  I'll do it.  I HAVE done it.  It's going to be ok.

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But you guys?  Those Quarter Pounders were SO GOOD.

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