I have OCD. I don't just like things neat. In fact, I am often extremely messy.
It's not always about that, and referring to people as "so OCD" because they like things a certain way is doing a bit of a disservice. OCD has many sides and many manifestations.
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I just took Klonopin (which helps with my anxiety, ability to fall asleep, and all around calmness). It is a lifesaver sometimes.
What it also often does, is give me the time to arrange my thoughts into recognizable sentences, without being too out of control.
So I thought about what I wanted to discuss, and came up with OCD.
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When my anxiety gets really bad (which it is right now), my OCD also kicks into high gear. Right now, my main issues are hand washing.
Hand washing is the major problem I have. Hand washing with soap and water is always best, but antibac lotion is second to that. In a pinch, I will use baby wipes or something like that, but it's not the same.
The reason I need to wash my hands is to combat the anxiety. The actual act calms me and almost become an orgasmic experience. I don't mean that in a sexual way. It's a release of sorts (think when you have to pee so badly and then you FINALLY find a bathroom and can go). It's like pent up tension that finally releases when I wash my hands. It leaves me almost so relaxed that I could fall asleep afterward. Just talking about it now makes me want to wash my hands, in fact. I have antibac with me everywhere. In my purse, on my desk, in the car, on my windowsill. Everywhere. I need to have access to antibac or a sink at all times.
It's not a germ thing, necessarily, which I think causes confusion. It's just a need to wash my hands. Unfortunately, this causes dry, scaly hands which often crack and bleed. It gets worse during the winter.
I try to stop, but it is just too much, and it is basically harmless. So there's that.
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The second manifestation is counting. Not like counting throughout the day, but counting actions.
If I want to do the dishes, I have to do things in tens.
Put ten things in the dishwasher. Take ten clean things out of the dishwasher. Fold ten items of clothing. Put ten items away. Research something online for ten minutes. Etc.
It's a compulsion (see how that works), and it often creates a lot of extra time and effort in my life, but it is important to me. It's a way of taking some sort of control when I feel lost and OUT of control. It is a simple goal to go after. It is pretty easy to achieve. It hurts no one.
Sometimes I find myself forgetting my count and doing one thing extra, and it almost makes me hyperventilate. Then I have to tell myself that it's ok, I can do or add nine more things, and it will work out. I am usually ok with that, but it sometimes overwhelms me and I cry or get angry.
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There are a few other obsessions or compulsions which I have successfully been working on.
For instance, I can only park in certain lanes and certain spots in certain parking lots. When those spaces are taken, I need to drive around until they (or another acceptable spot) is free. I have lately been expanding those areas and have been able to park in other lanes somewhat successfully. I think about it the whole time I am shopping, and only feel "safe" again once I am back in the car and moving.
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While I don't need to go into everything, I figured those are the three that may make the most sense to everyone else.
I DO like to have things a certain way, and I DO prefer no changes to my schedule, and I DO find interruptions to my plans to cause a bit of havoc, but those are not as debilitating. They are also easier to control.
So there.
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That is how my OCD presents. Everyone is different.
The "How OCD Are You?" quizzes make me want to scream. OCD is serious and it is medically diagnosed after much discussion and observation. You often need to be medicated or go through cognitive behavioral therapy (which I always recommend for a variety of mental health issues).
Pills are ok. Therapy is ok. Psychiatrists are ok.
Anything that helps you without harming you is ok. Your brain doesn't care how it gets help. It just appreciates that help has arrived. Sometimes, the pros override the cons.
I am a huge believer in medication and therapy. I am a huge advocate for mental health. I am very lucky to live in Cincinnati, which takes mental health very seriously, and has the highest amount of psychiatrists per capita in the United States (as of my last research).
Do not allow yourself to allow other people to tell you what is right or wrong. Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty or "less than."
I KNOW I am a broken record when it comes to this (don't even get me started on gun control or car seat safety), but it's because I think it is so very important.
Speaking about my problems is important for me because I hope it will be important to someone else and may open up dialogues in other peoples' lives.
It's ok to need help. And anyone who says otherwise is just plain wrong.
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And that is that for now.
