Again, it's been a while. I often want to write in here, but life just keeps getting away with me. We are SO busy and I wasn't expecting that. My girls are involved in after school activities (and I am happy about that), but it just takes up so much time.
I'm glad I am able to do these things for them and that their Grammy has helped provide these opportunities. We are so very, very appreciative.
But, anyway...
***
The weight loss thing is amazing. I was having a really tough time getting over a hump, but then I did, and now I am officially down 100 pounds! It was so, so hard, and I worry about both keeping it off AND continuing to lose. I know I can do it. I mean, I have done so much already. I'm just stressed at the thought of making sure I keep my shit together.
I think I am going to go back to hardcore low carb high fat. That's what gave me the kick start in the beginning and got the first 65 pounds off. Once I went to counting calories and adding in more carbs, the loss slowed down and was so much more difficult. I'd like to do lchf for a few months and then go back to 1700 calories a day and 90 grams of carbs. It's tough that way, but it helps to keep me on track.
***
Weight loss has been strange for me. I am so, so, so happy and so, so, so proud, but there are underlying things that I wasn't fully prepared for.
I have been fat my entire life. Being fat isn't just a size thing. After a while, it becomes your identity. Much like being depressed and bipolar and having anxiety and OCD became my identity, being the fat friend had become the same.
Taking my meds regularly and working on cognitive behavioral exercises helped my mental health issues tremendously. Becoming healthier mentally fucked with my head, though. I started to MISS being so depressed and almost wanted to get back to the "safe" place of being there. It's easy to be depressed and anxious, because it just IS. Working your way out of it is the hard part. It takes so much work, so much medication, and so much help from others. It's so hard and so frustrating and so INVOLVED. I kind of started feeling depressed because I wasn't AS DEPRESSED as I had been.
If you think that sounds fucked up to YOU, imagine what is going through my head. I often consider not taking my meds because I miss ME and feel like I am living in a new skin.
Which brings me to the weight loss thing.
100 pounds is a lot, guys. It's a lot of weight and a lot of space and a lot of mental pressure taken off of my shoulders. It scares me a lot. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes. It confuses me and worries me and makes me wonder who I am now.
I am still fat, don't get me wrong, but it is often hard for me to look at myself and see that I have actually lost weight. I don't know what size clothing I wear, anymore. I will buy something, realize it's too big, and cry because I don't know what to do.
I actually have to sit myself down and talk myself through it. It sounds like a good problem to have, I imagine.
It's very stressful for me, though. I don't know who I am or how I fit into the world right now.
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I love who I am becoming, though. I love being happier and being able to do so much more with my girls. I love buying new clothes and fitting in new places. I love sometimes waking up one day and realizing what I can do that I NEVER realized I couldn't do before.
Moving my seat in the car. Adjusting the steering wheel. Putting the seatbelt on one-handed. Walking up the stairs. Walking down the stairs without holding on or going step-by-step.
There are things that were so hard for me before, yet I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT. I didn't know how much I was being held back, because I had spent so much time trying to show everyone that I could DO ALL THE THINGS.
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I could spend hours telling you how my life has changed. How I feel younger and more free and healthier in so many ways. I could tell you how bending over to tie my shoe feels like a new lease on life. I could point out that I don't need to hold onto my knees everywhere I go and that wearing fitted clothing actually makes me feel THINNER.
How being able to put on fashionable clothes for the first time in over 20 years gives me so much excitement that I almost can't stop buying things.
I feel half my age and sometimes feel myself acting that way.
***
When you have spent your entire adult life being someone who can't fully BE and then you become someone who CAN, it's truly a rebirth and I am going through an adolescence of sorts.
I'm kind of enjoying the ride, and kind of afraid of it, too.
***
My children are so, so proud of me, and THAT is the biggest win of them all. Hearing them cheer me on and help me work towards my goal is what it's all about. They are why I am doing this. They are why I take the time to shut the fuck up and move the fuck on.
They are my heroes in tiny, little half shells.
They are my reason.
They are what keeps me going, even when I am too tired to take another step.
They - simply - are.
