Diamond Anniversary!!

Bear with me, this may be long.

***

Ten years ago (give or take a few months), I was living in a brand new city.  My friends and family were all back home in NY.  I hadn't met anyone here, yet.  The only father I ever knew (my sweet Uncle Joe) was very sick with cancer back home.  I was very pregnant and very sad and felt very alone.
 
So I did what so many of us do in that situation.  I snorted cocaine.  Wait, no.  I went online looking for someone - ANYONE - who was anything like me.  I wanted to feel not so alone.  I wanted to meet someone who was going through something that I was going through.

I wanted a friend.

Only, the most amazing thing happened.  I found dozens of them.  I know, right?  It seems crazy, and perhaps it is.  But it's also beautiful.

*** 

I joined Babycenter and, after a failed attempt at relating to anyone in the PLUS SIZE AND PREGNANT board, I discovered the board which would change my life.  I discovered the April 2007 board.  This was a board filled with women (some first time moms - some experienced moms) who were all due to have their babies in April, 2007.  So, I joined.

It took a few months to decide to post.  As I said, I was sad and lonely and just depressed.  It was my first pregnancy and I desperately missed my mother.  It's hard to make friends as an adult and I didn't know exactly how to go about it.

So, one day, I jumped in and posted a comment.

And that was the beginning of history.

***

While the board is no longer there, these women are.  There have been moves to different websites.  There have been spin offs and breakups and exclusions (as there ALWAYS are among friends).  There have been hurt feelings and incredible support.

There has been so much.

***

Over the past ten years (TEN, YOU GUYS!) I have forged the strongest and most amazing bonds with these women.  We know each others secrets.  We know what we love and what we hate.  We know our hearts' desires and our biggest heartbreaks.

We have been there through divorces, new marriages, the births of new babies, arguments with neighbors, vasectomies, operations, cantaloupes, family drama, financial hardships, and everything in between.

We have cheered each other on.  We have loved each other and hated each other and complained and been judgmental and angry.  We have supported every single time someone needed support.  We have held each others hands over the miles and been able to lean on each others shoulders.

We have been sisters to each other and aunts to our children.  We drew the line at wives to the other husbands.  I think.  I don't want to know if I am wrong.

We took and gave advice.  We met and hugged and spent time together IN REAL LIFE.  We wrote and sent flowers and helped with anything we possible could.  We became FRIENDS in all senses of the word.

***

Along the way, we lost a few of our moms.  Heartbreaking in so many ways, it was made even more so because we had come to love the very children who had just lost their moms.  While we would mourn our friends, we would also mourn the loss of the children to whom we would no longer have access.  We would be faced with our OWN mortality.  Our OWN what ifs?  Our own worries and pain and horror.

And we also lost some of our children (both big and small).  The heartbreak of losing a child is unimaginable and when it happens to a close friend, and you cannot be RIGHT THERE for them, it makes you feel helpless.  Our friends' hearts are broken and we cannot give what we most want to give:  hugs.  We used whatever words we could. We cried and spoke and listened and prayed.  Some of us were able to visit and give support that way.  We sent cards and letters and gave our love in any possible way we could.  You cannot cure that kind of pain.  It never goes away.  But, we will always be there to listen and cry and give love and REMEMBER.  Those children will always be remembered.  They are our babies, too, in a way.  As any close friend will tell you, the children of your friends are children of your hearts.  You will always love them and they will always be a little bit yours.  Those women I mentioned above?  They are the strongest and most beautiful women I know.  Their beauty lies in the fact that they still love.  They still allow us to share their babies.  They still go on when going on is the last thing they want to do.

***

Ten years.

It takes a lot to keep  a friendship going for ten years.  It takes even MORE to keep multiple friendships going for ten years ONLINE.  There have been times we have been busier than others.  There have been times that some of us haven't spoken for months.  There have been times where we were not so nice.  It has all come full circle, though.  Many of us have come together again, and while not all of our relationships are what they WERE, at least they are still there.

***

These women have seen me at my lowest of lows and my highest of highs.  They know the darkest depths of my head and the largest and most loving parts of my heart.  They've seen me at my most unkind.  They've seen me complaint and rant and act like a baby.  They listened to me moan.  They put up with my attitude.  They've rolled their eyes at my drama and put me in my place when it was needed.

I trust them with my heart.  I trust them with my pain.  I trust them with the things that are the most important me.  I trust them with my girls.  I KNOW that should I ever need help and they are able, they would drop whatever they needed to to help me. And I for them.  In a heartbeat.

***

I have learned so much from these women.  Not just how to use magical shaving methods, but how to comfort my children when they are hurting. 

I've learned different points of view (even when I insisted my own was the right one - I get now that it's not, you'll be happy to know). 

I've learned about different types of families and different ways to worship.  I've learned that we can be kind and STILL get our point across.  I learned that people are so, so very different, and that our differences are beautiful and worth learning about.

I've learned that anything can crack you up at any time and no one else will get it but the women who are THERE.

(For what it's worth, I've also learned to chill a bit about grammar and just write the way I feel, sometimes.)

***

I want to say so much about these ladies, but I don't know if my thoughts can come out of my head.  I will try my very best, though.

***

To my April, 2007 mamas:

Thank you.

Thank you for welcoming me into your lives.
Thank you for sharing your children with me.
Thank you for loving my children even when I wasn't so lovable myself.
Thank you for listening to my (many) problems.
Thank you for the flowers and the cards and the messages.
Thank you for texting me at 1AM.
Thank you for accepting that I don't do telephone calls.
Thank you for cheering me on.
Thank you for sharing your joys with me.
Thank you for trusting me with your pain.
Thank you for giving me a place of safety.
Thank you for letting me know when I was being a huge asshole (it helped, I swear!).
Thank you for making me laugh until I cried.
Thank you for the advice at 3AM.
Thank you for the silly memes and inside jokes and crazy stories.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for being part of such an amazing group of women.

Thank you, sweet women, for being my friends.

Thank you.

***

I never knew that getting pregnant with my first child would open a whole new world to me.  I never knew that the greatest give I could ever receive would also give me the gift of friendship.  The gift of women who love me. 

The smartest, most loving, most understanding, sometimes grumpy, occasionally asshole-ish, most awesome, and often BEST women I know. 

I love you all. Even the ones who don't think that I do.

I may not be the most demonstrative (or most understanding) person, but I do know that I am lucky.

For all of you.

You will never be my "online" friends.  You will always be my friends.






Happy Ten Years!!

You Gotta Have Faith

I'm late to the party, I know.  I've been wanting to make this entry and name it the way I have, but then George Michael died and I felt awkward and now I think enough time has passed so that I can safely post using his song title and we can all be assured that it is an homage of sorts.

Plus, he basically taught me about sex, so there's that.

***

But, oh man, it's been a fucked up couple of months.  This winter/election/holiday season hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and really sent me on a fast downward spiral.  I was pretty low and am honestly still trying desperately to cling to whatever ladder/rope/hands that are pulling me up.

I know bipolar has phases and you can be happy for months or years at a time and then fucking SINK out of nowhere.  Because I had been doing so well for so long, I thought i was ok and that I was out of the woods.  But mental illness has a way of showing you who is boss, and bitch, it ain't you.

I barely had the energy to leave my bed or get dressed or bathe or talk to my friends.  The worst (well, one of the worst) things about being like this is having to repeatedly explain to your friends that it is - in fact - NOT them and is truly all you.

I love my friends.  I want to spend time with my friends.  I am jealous when they do friend things without me, but I simply cannot FRIEND the way I need to.  Texts go ignored.  Messages left unanswered.  Phone calls ignored.  It's a shit situation for all involved.  I am so lucky that my friends stick with me, because not many people would.  It's hard being friends or family with someone who is bipolar.  Hats off to you all, because you make me want to be more.


***

Got through the election and Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years by the skin of my teeth.  Not a pleasant person to be around, but I did my best and I honestly believe that the girls had a great time. SUPER antisocial during that time and no apologies about it.  Sometimes I have to do whatever gets me through the next hour, or day, or week.  

When you're in the depths of the roller coaster drop, it seems as if you will never get to the top again.  And you click and groan and slowly move up the peak and it seems scary and worrisome and so freaking slow and you just want to get to the top, damnit and have this valley be over.  And then it comes and you've finally made it to the top, and then often, you crash back down again.  So frustrating and so sad and so DEFEATING.

***

The problem is when you enter a mixed state.  When you are deep in a depression, but also experiencing mania.  When you're super depressed and consider suicide, sometimes you don't have the energy to kill yourself.  It's just too much work.  But depression COMBINED with mania is a whole other ballpark.  You're sad, of course, but now you CAN DO ALL THINGS.  You can stay up all night.  You can build a new ark for Noah.  You can plan and think about and go through on your suicide plan because YOU ARE EVERYTHING.  Nothing can trip you up.

Annnnnddd that's where I ended up and that's when I found myself crying on the floor in my doctor's office begging her to help me or commit me or just let me go.  It's a shitty thing to think about how your children would be better off without you.  It can be overwhelming and can fuck with your brain.

I've been dealing with this bullshit for years now and I KNOW that it will get better and I KNOW that it won't last forever, but your brain will tell you otherwise and when the voices in my head argue and try to tell me different things, it's almost too much noise and I need to scream it all out and let it land somewhere else.

***

So, crying with my doctor and just being defeated and worried about healthcare and the state of the world and my own fucked up brain workings and why is the weather so dull and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHERE IS THE FUCKING SUN?  Oh, and did I mention perimenopause?  No.  Well, there's that.  The trifecta of fucked up.

She thought it would be a good idea if I were to change meds at this CALM juncture.  Slowly weaning me off Lexapro and slowly easing me into Effexor.  Which, as an added bonus, can also be an activator and cause manic episodes.  So, there's that.
 

So, yes.  I ran out of Lamictal which is a miracle mood stabilizer and is, honest to God, my life saver.  I ran out, y'all.  On Friday.  I couldn't get a refill until Monday or Tuesday and had already started the weaning off old meds/easing in of new meds.  Also, period.  Because LOL, even though morbidly obese people (and perimenopausal women) are not supposed to get regular periods, this bitch gets them 28 days apart, no fucking questions asked.  I knew the moment both children were conceived because my cycle is that ridiculously regular. 

It's fun talking about periods, no?  Oh, and night sweats.  Waking up in a puddle of your own bodily fluids is pretty much the hottest thing I know.  Sexy, even!


*** 

So I lost my fucking mind, deactivated Facebook and tried to get my shit together.  I read books and watched movies and pretty much cried in my bed because weaning yourself off of a med you have been taking for years at the highest dosage is painful, you guys.  Physically and mentally.  And Mike had to take cabs to work and bring the girls to school because the thought of getting out of bed was just too fucking overwhelming.  And putting on clothes?  Let's be real here.

***

Oy.  This is turning out to be longer than I had anticipated it would be.

Apparently I wrote a crazed email to my doctor while on Klonopin and she was sufficiently worried enough to call me up and make me give her number to Mike and to tell me to stop being so stoic and tough and to tell people when I am fucked up.

It's hard though.  Who the fuck wants to hear that someone is SAADDDD. No one, that's who.  I don't even want to talk to myself sometimes and the voices in my head are always arguing with each other and it's exhausting.

***

I'm heading into week two of the med transition.  My period ended.  I am back on Lamictal and I'm weaning and adding and SHARING MY FEELINGS and I am praying for the best to happen.

***

Which brings me back to the original line of this entry.

You gotta have faith.

I know faith and religion can be controversial.  So, this is not an admonition or a call to arms or a recruitment.  It is simply all about me.  AS EVERYTHING SHOULD BE. ;)

I have not been able to find a Catholic Church here that will accept me (divorced, born after Vatican II, etc.).  I could lie, but that would be horrible and who the heck wants to go somewhere that they are truly not accepted?  I'm hurt and dismayed by the way things are, but I still have God inside of me and I know how I feel and I trust in His love.

And I truly have faith.  Like, 100%, I have no doubt, I am a believer.

I don't know if people have to have faith in a higher power, or a specific God, or Goddesses, or whatever.  I DO think that everyone should have faith to get them through the tough times.

Maybe it's faith in your family.  Maybe it's faith in the fact that you are strong.  Maybe it's faith that your friends will never let you down.

For me, it's faith in God and how much He loves me and how, when I cannot carry myself for one more minute, He will carry me himself.

I don't believe He makes me do or say anything.  I don't believe He is responsible for all of my good choices.  I believe He has given me free will.  That is His gift to me.  Free will to make my own choices.  He loves me and He forgives me when I ask for forgiveness and He knows my very heart, even when my heart is not so clear to me at all.

And faith keeps me going.  Faith helps me through the hardest of hard times.  Faith lets me know that I CAN DO HARD THINGS.  Faith lets me know that I am not alone.  Faith keeps me above the water when I feel like sinking under.

I think that if I lost faith, I would lose it all, because my faith is sometimes all I have, and I will cling to it with every fiber of my body.

I think you gotta have faith.  And whatever brings you faith had better be the most important thing in your life.  It has to protect you and carry you and give you the strength and the power to get through the hardest of the hard times.

And sometimes, it also give me wine.  My faith is pretty cool, you know.  And I love it with all of my heart.


***

Have faith, peeps.  We will get through this.  There is always, ALWAYS hope.  We just have to be open to it.

***