Can you feel me?

 ***

 

I am really depressed today. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. It's just how it is when you are bipolar. You can go through months and months of being happy and those are the good times. When the bad times hit, though, it can become so overwhelming that you feel as if you can't go on. You wake up in the morning just to get through the day until you can sleep again.

Nothing brings you joy. No one makes you happy. Everything is kind of black and white.

I don't post this for attention. I just wanted to let people know that the happiest people in the world can still be suffering. Suffering is not always outward, because it is so often embarrassing. No one wants to spend time with the miserable girl.

So I get up, and smile, and do what needs to be done, and chat, and take care of one or two things, sleep, and do it again the next day.

 

However, I AM happy.  I have so much.  My girls, Mike, my incredible mother and sister, My extended family and friends here and in NY.  I'm a lucky girl!

***

So, for my friends who keep asking me to do things: Please be patient with me. I love you and I want to be asked. I just can't do it right now.

I also have incredible rage and anger when I am in a low point in a cycle. So there's that.

***

It's ok, though! Meds are so, so important. They allow me to stop from sinking too far into the depths. They allow me to stop a few minutes before making rash decisions.

I have been overspending the past week or so, and that is one of the number one signs that shit is not good. I'm trying to put the kibosh on that.

It's better than behaving in a sexual explicit manner, right?

Positive thoughts! I still have my virginity!

 

***

 

 If you ever feel sad or overwhelmed and the doctor suggests medication, please consider it seriously. I hear people talk all the time about side effects or wanting to do things themselves, or feeling as if they won't be "themselves."

I promise, with all that I am, that there are no side effects that are worse than wanting to kill yourself. Feeling miserable is not "yourself." Drugs do not make you weak. They do not mean you are less than.

Drugs took me from a very dark place, a place in which I tried to jump off my balcony, a place in which a police officer had to come to my house and take me to the hospital because some very amazing friends knew there was something wrong and called them (from two other states!!), a place in which I begged my mother to let me go, a place in which I locked myself in my room regularly, looking for things to help me kill myself.

Drugs GAVE ME the ability to THINK again. The clarity to look at my sweet girls and see them and know what they needed. The strength to wake up, and shower, and leave my house, and bring my girls to the store or the park or the freaking gas station.

They GAVE ME sleep and calmness when I needed it. They GAVE ME the chemicals that were missing in my makeup. They GAVE ME the courage to meet people and open up my heart to new friendships.

***

They continue to help me every day. I have no goals in mind for stopping them. As long as they continue to help me, I will continue to take them.

I have the most amazing medical staff to help me. I have an incredible support system in my friends and family. I read and research and learn every single day.

I was ashamed for so long. I didn't want people to know. I didn't want to be looked at as crazy.

But honestly? Knowing there is something wrong and NOT asking for help would have been crazy.

Cincinnati has the highest rate of psychiatrists per capita in the country. The mental health community is the best of any of have experienced. There are so many resources here. There is help if you want it.

If you are NOT in Cincinnati, start with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They can connect you with resources in your area.

Asking for help is being strong. And it's hard. And it can be frustrating and annoying and embarrassing. It can also save your life.

It saved mine. And now my children have their mother.

And yeah. I'm still sad right now. It doesn't mean it's not working. It just means I'm still feeling feelings. And feelings are truly ok. 

 

***