I worry sometimes that this blog may come across as a pseudo self-help book. That's not the look I'm going for. I just like to share what has helped me and made me feel better. It works for me, and I always hope it works for someone else, but it's not advice. It's just the way I'm feeling at any given moment.
That being said, I did want to talk about feelings and how they affect my attitudes. Not necessarily "good" or "bad" feelings. Just feelings in general.
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I've always been a pretty private person with my feelings. It seems as if I am open and out there and willing to share anything, but those are superficial (to me) things. I mean, the stray hair on my cheek? Not a big deal. Telling someone I really like them and want to be their friend? Totally uncomfortable and possibly rejection-worthy.
I spent a good deal of my life avoiding sharing how I felt. If I was angry, I often held it back. If I was starting to feel close to someone, I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to share how I felt most of the time because I was afraid it would make someone angry, or make them hate me, or make them want to leave.
I was afraid of rejection in all of its forms.
Moving to Cincinnati after spending the entirety of my life thus far ON THE SAME BLOCK was difficult. I had to give up everything that was familiar to me. I had to leave my friends and family and home and everything that I loved. I had to start again.
Starting again is so, so hard.
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The worst part about moving here is that no one knew me. No one could see what I was doing and say, "Oh, that's just Adrienne." No one could look at my face and know I was sad or happy or angry. No one could see me for who I was.
I cried so much all the time. I had Mike and Abbie and the new baby growing in my tummy, but I didn't have anyone that was MINE. I didn't have the people who were familiar to me. I didn't have the closeness that years of KNOWING could bring about.
So, I shut myself down. I didn't share everything that I was feeling. I not only tried to hide my sadness, but I also hid my HAPPINESS. I didn't want to show any of that in case I was rejected. In my mind, showing my feelings was giving someone power over me. Power to give or take love as they wanted. I wasn't able to be in control of what I felt. I couldn't do that.
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Anyway. That went on for years and it got worse and worse and it ended up that the only feeling I let show was anger. Only anger really comes from so many of things. Anger comes from frustration and sadness and loneliness and WANT. Anger comes from this huge part inside of us that really only wants to be loved. Anger wants to be accepted.
You know, feeling that way doesn't help anyone. It doesn't make anyone want to be near you. It doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't make you happy. It does all of the things you DON'T want it to do. You're alone, without love, feeling miserable, and going nowhere. Instead of being in control, you've given anger all of the control over you.
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About that time, I started thinking long and hard about my health. While I wasn't ill or having any sort of health crisis, I knew I was heading there quickly. The path I was on was unhealthy both physically AND mentally. I was making myself sicker and sicker INSIDE, and that was bound to start showing on the OUTSIDE.
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I've been battling depression since the mid-nineties. I've been medicated since 1999. I've seen psychologists, and therapists, and psychiatrists. I've taken multiple meds. I've tried yoga. I've lost weight (and gained it back). I got married. I got divorced. I got pets. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs.
Finally, I had babies.
And you know what? Still a miserable fuck. So miserable, in fact, that I wound up pretty low and in places in which I never thought I'd be. I was so, so, so unhappy.
While I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar until 2009, and it totally explained so many of my actions in the late '90s - early '00s, I won't use that as an excuse. It may explain many things, but it can't excuse them. It kind of just IS.
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And then something amazing happened in the end of 2014. I started not giving a shit. I mean, for REAL not giving a shit. I started to be ok with the possibility of rejection. I started being ok with people possibly being angry with me. I started being ok with putting it all out there.
And for real, you guys. It changed my life.
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When I was 25, I asked my mother to come to my house one day after work. I sat her down and told her I forgave her. My mom is an amazing mom, and I would be nothing were it not for her. However, like we all do, she made some mistakes raising me and my sister. It is what it is, and I got over it. I told her I forgave her. More importantly, I DID forgive her. It's easy to make excuses for yourself and say, "Well, I didn't know any better." We should give the same thing to other people. We should say, "They didn't know better. Now they do and now they are doing better."
I forgave my mother, but I did so much more for myself. I opened up this horrible, closed up part of myself. I let go of so much hurt and anger and became a more forgiving person in general. Forgiveness helped ME. Forgiveness made ME happier. Forgiveness gave me a second chance.
After all, if my mother could forgive all of the shit I gave her (and still do), I could forgive her for whatever I felt she did wrong.
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Along that same vein, letting my feelings show and being honest with people and letting myself be vulnerable changed my life yet again. Instead of bottling things up until they erupted, I let them out little by little, and found a whole new world of happiness.
I started opening myself up to people here. I started joining in and trying to become a part of things. I let myself go out there and feel my way around. No pun intended.
And it didn't always work. And sometimes I did get rejected or hurt or upset. Only now I was better at that. I was in no way ok with being hurt, but I was ok with getting over it. I was ok with letting the feelings be and feeling them deeply and then getting over them. It's hard, you guys. I do not think it's simple and I do not think anyone can just wake up one morning and be like I AM DONE AND GOING TO BE HAPPY AND WILL JUST DO WHAT I FEEL AND IT WILL BE RAINBOWS.
I still battle depression. I am still bipolar. I still fight with OCD and anxiety and just plain social awkwardness.
I still take my meds religiously every day. I still write things down. I still cry and feel sad and hurt and rejected and ANGRY.
But being able to allow myself those feelings is amazing. Being able to FEEL without trying to stifle it has been one of the best things I've ever done. Being able to say, "OK. You don't like me. That feels bad, but it won't kill me," has been freeing.
Because, you see, I don't like everyone, either. I may not even like YOU. ;)
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It may have a lot to do with getting older. It may have to do with losing weight and feeling more in control of myself because of that. I don't know.
What I DO know is that I now have friends here. I now feel as if this is my own. I now feel PART OF something.
I now feel happy. For the most part. When I am not sad. Or angry. Or depressed.
I now FEEL.
And that? Is the best feeling of all.
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