When I was around six-years-old, I stole something from TSS. TSS was a department store in NY and it had a pet store and a cafeteria and it was what dreams are made of.
And it was where I stole an octopus. You know those sticky animals that "crawl" down the wall when you throw them? It was one of those. I saw it, I wanted it, I took it. It wasn't even in a package, so clearly someone else already ruined its chances at being sold. I did that octopus a favor.
Anyway. I hid it and never even played with it because I was so guilty. I panicked about it all week until Sunday. On Sunday, I went to confession.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession. In that time I said a bad word, I was mean to my mom, and I thought bad things about my sister."
"Do three Hail Marys and you are forgiven."
"Only, I also stole an octopus."
"Sorry? An octopus?"
"Yes, but I didn't even play with it! It's in my closet."
Somehow, I don't think he believed me. I did my penance, was forgiven, and moved on. I honestly don't even remember seeing that octopus again.
***
Forgiveness is something I've wanted my whole life. Everything I did - even if no one knew about it - begged forgiveness. It's like I thought everything would be ok and everyone would love me, if only they forgave me.
Forgiveness is something we all want, even if it rarely comes from ourselves.
***
There were a lot of good things about my childhood, but there were a lot of bad things, too. People did things to me that were pretty awful. People made ME do things that were reprehensible. Those things will always be with me.
When I was 25, I had a nervous breakdown. I'm talking sitting in the corner of my room, against the wall, crying, rocking, and pulling my hair out. It was pretty awful.
My mother came and got me and brought me to my doctor. I was out of work for three months. When my FMLA was up, I was sent back.
Only, three months was not enough. How does your mind know that three months should make you better? It doesn't. That, however, is another story for another time.
The most important thing about this story is how I came to forgiveness while being home alone and spending time with myself.
***
You see, I had so much inside of me. So much pain. So much anger. So much bitterness. I had all of these feelings inside of me, just waiting to be unleashed. I was only 25 and didn't know how to deal with them properly.
Going to therapy, reading, working in workshops, and really taking the time for self care enabled me to learn how to do that.
***
One day I called the person who I felt had done me the most wrong. I asked her to come to my house. When she got there, I asked her to sit down and told her, "I forgive you. You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that."
I don't believe we have ever discussed that again.
Simply saying those words (and I am being 100% honest about this), lifted me out of the depths.
Will I always remember the things I forgave? Yes. Will I constantly wonder how she could have done those things? Forever. Will I sometimes still cry? Yup. It will be with me for the rest of my life.
But, it's over. It happened. She fucked up. I suffered. Now it is years later.
I forgave for me, make no mistake. I carried that around for so long and it did nothing but ignite my fire time after time after time. I was the one suffering. I was the one in pain. I was the one who was angry. Once I forgave, it was like a whole new world had opened up for me.
And then I discovered that forgiving was all about ME. My feelings, heart, my behavior, and MY control. Once you take control like that, it becomes addictive.
***
I spent the next fifteen years forgiving those who hurt me in my past. Sometimes I told them, sometimes not. Sometimes our relationships got better, sometimes not. Sometimes the memories it brought up were so hard that I never was able to talk to them again.
But, I still forgave.
I forgave and I moved on.
***
I know it sounds like I am being flippant. It may even sound like telling someone in the midst of a deep depression to, "Just smile and everything will be fine!"
I know it's not like that. It worked for me because I worked for IT. I prayed and I read and I thought and I talked about it. I investigated my own thoughts, my own trespasses, and my own errors.
I MADE myself do it sometimes. Let's be clear: I do not forget. I only forgive. I only say, "Hey, you did that then. You're not doing it now. I can forgive that. I can acknowledge your fuckups. I can free MYSELF from the anger."
And the ones who I could no longer keep in contact with? Again, that forgiveness was for ME. I know I can't go down that path, so I forgive. It lets my mind have rest. It stops all the anger (I swear). It releases my pain into the world so it can dissipate and disappear. Somewhat. It's obviously still there sometimes.
***
It makes me a better person, I think. The ability to forgive shows me that I can be bigger and better and STRONGER. Forgiveness is not about being weak, but about being so strong, and so loving, and so GIVING.
If God can forgive the whole octopus situation, surely I can forgive those who have trespassed against ME.
I continue to try. It's all I can do.
***
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