Addicted to you.

There's something about someone begging at the side of the road that brings out super angry feelings in some people.

"They should get a job."
"They're only going to spend it on cigarettes or beer."
"They can't be too poor.  They have phones."

... and worse.

I guess I can see where the anger comes from.  If people have struggled to get where they are, or if people are still struggling and are NOT where they want to be, it can be frustrating.  It's very, very easy to look at that situation and not feel sorry.

***

But then.

It can be very easy to become addicted to something.  Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, or anything.  If you have an addictive personality, if life has been incredibly hard for you and you lack the proper coping mechanisms, if you are alone and scared and sad and just need to have it stop for the tiniest bit of time.

***

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friend, Caroline.  She was part of my April 2007 birth group.  We all became close friends and so many of us are still friends today.  She had her April baby and then had another son a few years later.

She had a pretty good life, I thought.  Loving parents and siblings.  Great kids.  A nice job.  Only, there was something inside her that wasn't right or wasn't happy or wasn't ok.  She got into a few relationships that were bad for her and she became addicted to drugs.

In person, and even online, she was happy and full of love and sympathetic.  She was a joy to be around, honestly, and I was always able to talk to her about my feelings and how hard life can sometimes be.

She got clean and got herself together.

And then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, she overdosed and died.  Her two boys were left without their mother.

And the people she left behind were heartbroken.  And I doubt they (or we) will every truly know her pain.  And that is awful.

***

Life is SO hard.  Especially now.  The country is having a rough time and it's creating a very dangerous situation.

Aside from that, though, is that mental illness is so prevalent and not enough people get the help they need.  Either they can't afford it, it's not available to them, or they are too ashamed to ask for help.  For many people, they don't even realize they NEED help.

***

And so.

That is where a lot of addiction comes from.  When you lack certain coping skills, when your brain doesn't produce the right amount of chemicals, when you don't understand what is going on.

You become another person.  You look for anything - ANYTHING - to help you.

"I have hard times, too."
"Everyone goes through shit."
"Pull up your bootstraps and get on with it."
"Being happy is a choice."
"Get over it."

I think, given the choice, that people who are depressed, or have PTSD, or post-partum depression (or psychosis), or bipolar disorder, or any mental health issue would LOVE to do any of the above.

***

And yet.

They simply can't.

***

A few years ago, I started leaning too heavily on one of my meds.  I craved the way it made me feel.  The way it "helped" me deal with the pain.  The way I could take it and just relax.  I felt sick without it.  I wanted it all. the. time.

And it became a crutch.

I spoke to my doctor about it (because I knew enough to see the signs and I HAD HELP AVAILABLE), and now I am limited on how often I can get refills.  And that is a good thing. 

I have help.  I live in an area that is saturated with mental help assistance.  As soon as I moved to Cincinnati, I was able to get the diagnosis I should have had eight years earlier.  I had doctors, and therapists, and group therapy, and psychiatrists at my disposal.  I am able to get the meds I need.  I am able to have an outlet.

I am lucky.

*** 

And THAT is what it all boils down to.  Luck.

You may disagree, and that's ok.  You may think people are not trying hard enough, and that's ok.  You may think I am full of it and start too many sentences with the word "and."  And that's ok.

***

No matter what, though, when I see someone at the side of the road, begging for money, or food, or help, or even a prayer, I try to help them if I can. 

Even if they DO buy beer or drugs or cigarettes.  Even if they use it to pay their cell phone bill.  Even if they use it for McDonald's.

If whatever they use that money on helps to get them through one more day, I want to do it.

Because we all just want relief.  We all just need help.  We all want to love and be loved and to have someone SEE us.

Even at the side of the highway.