It was Easter Day. Alyssa's first Easter. I had dressed her in a lavender and green striped dress (much cuter than it sounds, I swear!). I had a basket filled with plastic eggs and had just sat her in it to take pictures when the phone rang. I will never forget that moment.
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It sounds cliche, I know, but even though we knew he was sick and knew he didn't have much more time, it was STILL a shock to me. It broke my heart not just for me, but for my mother, my sister, my nephew, and my not-quite-one-year-old little girl.
She would never know his love, and that has been one of the worst things about it to me.
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I've said it many times, but when my father died, my mother was pregnant with me and had my three year-old sister. She had a full plate and was now without the love of her life. My Uncle Joe (mom's brother) stepped in to help and did so for the rest of his life.
He treated us like his children and we looked up to him as a father.
I want to write so many things, but it's hard. I want to have perfectly slowing sentences and make everything seem perfect, but I can't. Instead, I'll just write to him. He would like that, I think.
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Uncle Joe,
I can't believe it's been ten years since I got to hug you. Ten years since I got to see you smile. Ten years since I got to hear you tease me or roll your eyes at something stupid I did.
I still cry. I cry all the time. I miss you, but it's more than that.
I cry for how hard your life was. How hard you worked. How deeply you loved. How life wasn't always kind to you.
I cry for my daughters, who will not have you in their lives. I cry for my mother, who lost her best friend.
I just cry.
My whole life, you were there. You had your own way of showing love and I don't know anyone to this day who could reprimand me for disrespecting my mother, while still letting me know I was loved.
When I did something bad, I always, always, ALWAYS worried that I would disappoint you. YOU were the one who I worried about. I would beg mom to tell you things so that I wouldn't have to hear your pain.
She wouldn't do it, though, and that's a good thing! It's good because I learned how NOT to be a wuss, but also because I learned that you would always love me.
You were so kind to me. You let me know that what I did may have been wrong, but that we could fix it. I made mistakes, but you helped me make things better. You taught me how to stop making those mistakes so that next time I would make a better choice.
It worked, I swear. I still messed up, but I always had your voice in the back of my head telling me you loved me and that I could fix it.
I wonder sometimes where I would be if I hadn't had you in my life. There's no way to know, of course, but I am sure I wouldn't be the open-minded person I am without having had you to love.
You are the strongest man I have ever known. And also the gentlest. Your strength lifted my mother up when she was at the very bottom, but you were always gentle enough to hold me in your arms and let me fall asleep nestled against the open neck of your shirt with your crazy chest hairs sneaking out. Chest hair still comforts me. It makes me feel safe and protected (and I don't even care how creepy that probably sounds).
You instilled respect in us. We had to respect our mother or suffer your disappointment. We had to respect you, or feel your wrath. But most of all, you wanted us to respect ourselves. To know that we were worthy of being loved. That one didn't always take, but I try! I truly do.
I was always SO PROUD to introduce you to my friends. And they all LOVED you. They STILL talk about "Uncle Joe."
A few things I remember:
- No matter the holiday, if mom got flowers, you brought a flower for me and Teresa, too.
- Ducky. We were Ducky. Or Baby. Special terms of endearment for me and my sister.
- Mom hiding an Easter egg in your shirt pocket and me being SO EXCITED to find it! The way you smiled. So excited like a child and so happy for me.
- Every flavor of soda in your fridge. Orange. Ginger Ale. Cola. Lemon lime. It was like a world of wonder. Mom didn't give us such things. :P
- The fact that you hated cats, but let my kittens climb all over you.
- The way you held Alyssa for the first time, gently and so timidly. Afraid you would drop her.
- The first and only time I saw you cry, when I said goodbye to you before moving to Cincinnati.
I don't know how we get along without you. I'm sure you are up there (I think UP), watching us and rolling your eyes when we do something stupid. Stealing meatballs off other peoples' plates.
And loving. Always loving.
I miss you.
So much.
- Adriennie (the extra I is for you)
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