Excess Baggage.

Let's go back a little bit.  I don't want this to be all about my weight loss.  I mean, that WILL be a big part of it, but it's more about a transformation as a whole. If you think I'm going to post lame cliches and random INSPIRATION posts, well, you're right!  I know some people find that annoying and self-righteous and that's all good.  I CAN be annoying and self-righteous and it's only fair to be completely honest about that!  And, to be TRULY honest, that kind of stuff DOES help me.  If it works, I want to share it, because why wouldn't I want to tell everyone what makes me happy and what gives me inspiration?  I spent a LONG time being quiet about the things that hurt me AND the things that helped me.  Not sure why.  I guess some of it has to do with trying not to annoy anyone.  Or perhaps worrying that people don't care.  Or both.  I'm not sure, really.  I AM sure that I am ok with sharing (most of ) the good and bad things about me.

But, I digress!  Which I will probably do a lot.  I love to talk and I love writing (typing?) even more. 

I wouldn't have been able to set a course for myself and stay on it if I hadn't gotten rid of some other things that were bogging me down.  I couldn't have, actually.  There wouldn't have been room enough in my head to stay focused and sure about my plan.  I needed to let things go.

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Years and years ago, I did something pretty horrible.  I don't feel comfortable saying what it is right now, but suffice it to say it was not good.  I know, I know.  I HATE when people bring something up all Facebook-style, but then don't tell you what it is.  "GUYS, PRAY FOR ME.  I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY, BUT I NEED PRAYERS.  IT'S SERIOUS, YOU GUYS.  PRAY."

I WILL pray for you, but like, what level of prayer do you need?  Do you want me to pray that your mother isn't ill or that your cat makes it through surgery?  Or am I praying for your ingrown toenail to stop hurting so much?  I need to know!

So, trust me when I say it was bad, and I wouldn't even have brought it up if there wasn't a point and if it hadn't had so very much to do with who I had become.  Forgive me.

I had been carrying that shit around with me for years.  It was shitty, it hurt people, and it was against everything I thought I stood for.  I apologized (which, trust me, didn't even begin to make it better).  I tried to atone.  I explained my actions.  I am positive now that it had a lot to do with having undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  I am not excusing it, I'm just explaining.

So, one day I said to myself, "Self.  You fucked up.  You did a shitty thing.  You were super selfish.  You tried to make amends.  This is eating at you.  You can't let this rule your life."  And then it was over!

Just kidding.  I still felt like a douchebag.  Only, I started thinking about it and praying about it and trying to figure out how I could fix it.  I couldn't fix it, though, so I had to forgive myself.

The thing is, I had taken some time and forgiven so many people over the years.  Forgiveness truly IS good for your soul.  I can never forget most things, but I CAN say, "Hey.  It happened.  It probably won't happen again.  I have to be chill and assume the best from now on." 

And I had to forgive myself.  This took work, y'all.  It was hard.  We sometimes (especially as women) can't forgive ourselves because it seems selfish.  But, if I could do a BAD thing out of selfishness, why couldn't I do a GOOD thing?  I could!  And I did.  And I spent time saying to myself, "You did then what you knew then, and now that you KNOW better, you can DO better."  Props, Oprah.  Thanks for representing the '90s for me.

So, I let it go as much as I could.  I swear, you guys, it made a difference.  Once I let THAT go, I could work on other things that were holding me down.

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My 30s were not the greatest decade for me.  I mean, I had both of my girls in my 30s and I grew to know myself a whole lot better, but some pretty sad things happened in my 30s, as well.  It just wasn't good.  One thing that I DID do in my 30s was figure out some pretty rad things about friendship.

You see, you don't HAVE to be friends with people if you don't like them.  I know, right?  Mind. Blown.  I had some "friends" in my life that literally brought me nothing but pain.  They had absolutely NO benefits in my life.  I never felt good in their presence and, for the most part, actually felt like shit.

So, I stopped being friends with them.  I cut them out of my life.  It didn't go over well.  I was told I was selfish and crazy and a mean person.  And I cried.  I cried a lot, my friends.  I felt like a shitbag. 

And then after a few weeks, I woke up and there were little robins outside my window singing catchy Disney tunes and waking me up with a smiling sun in the background, scooping out some cereal in a bowl for me.  It was awesome.

Only, that didn't happen.  What DID happen was that I slowly realized how much confidence I was starting to get back.  I started feeling ok about myself again.  I started, wait for it, BEING HAPPY.

I also started appreciating my awesome friends even more.  Making your circle smaller may seem counter-intuitive, but it actually opens you up to MORE love.  And it did.

And it was good.

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